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Depression has taken over my life for the past month or so. This is the reason I haven’t been blogging. I have barely been able to get out of bed, let alone get on my computer.

I have suffered bouts of depression in the past, mainly minor depression. You know, occasionally feeling blue, sleeping too much, feeling slowed down and anxious. But now this time around my depression has been so severe, so grim; I’ve drifted into the realm of major depression, embodying all of the symptoms of the condition.

It seems once you are afflicted with this crippling illness, you would be able to immediately identify what’s wrong with you. Unfortunately for most people–I being no exception–it takes weeks, sometimes months to discover your life has been immersed into this dense fog. It took me about three weeks before a fleeting thought hinted at depression being the culprit of my debilitated lifestyle.

It’s amazing I did not try to figure out what was causing my sadness, irritability, tearfulness, insomnia, fatigue, loss of energy, restlessness, changes in appetite, loss of interest in everything, isolation from others, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, pessimism, lack of concentration, and thoughts of suicide.

Looking back, how could I have not realized my depression sooner? Perhaps my lack of concentration prevented me from focusing on my symptoms collectively. Maybe my pessimism just shaded my perception of my daily life.

It took my therapist officially diagnosing me four weeks in for reality to slap me in the face. Hearing the words come out of her mouth ignited this urgency for me to resolve my depression quickly. Suddenly, it became unbearable; I could no longer reside in this desperate space anymore.

But how do I get out? I have been in therapy for four months now dealing with the trauma and drastic life changes of my brain surgery, stroke and fibromyalgia, so how did I manage to slip in this depressive state?

Frankly, I don’t know.

The only thing I can do other than seek more medical treatment is to actively engage in self-care. I have to make it a point to go out with friends on a weekly basis. I must go to support groups to interact with others regarding all of my conditions. And I must do things I enjoy like visiting new places, trying new recipes, and most importantly, writing.

I don’t know if all of these things will work. But I do know that one does. And as someone has recently reminded me: when I write, even if just a little bit, I always feel better afterwards.

The anniversary of my brain surgery is two weeks away. In one sense, it’s been a long year, but in another, it’s passed by in the blink of my one good eye.

Even though I am blessed to be alive and still making improvements to this very day, I have been mourning deeper than I ever have before. Just the thought of how my life so drastically changed one year ago, causes pause, brings tears to my eyes, and a lump in my throat.

My mother told me the first year of grief is always the hardest. My neurologist explained the looming anniversary will inevitably prompt deep emotions. And even though I know all of this, I harbor this unexplainable emotional obligation to be more resilient than when I actually experienced the brain surgery.

My unflinching strength at the time of my surgery was undoubtedly a survival mechanism. I had to believe I was going to live. I had no choice but to think I would be okay.

But where is my survival mechanism now? The intuitive fight has fizzled, and I now am dealing with the reality that I almost died, that there was a strong possibility I may not have been okay.

I’ve been told that I’ve experienced more in this past year than many people do in a lifetime. Knowing this is consolation, but very little. I have no idea what would serve as significant consolation.

The only thing I do know is that I’m here. Despite the bad days and the uncertainty of the next day, I’m still here. And that must count for something.

Read Affirmative Actions – Part 1

How Do Affirmations Really Work?
Affirmations should be viewed as a tool, and not a bandage or a simple optimistic declaration to make your wish come true. No one has a genie, unless you are staring at the bottom of a tequila bottle. For affirmations to truly work, there is a considerable amount to be done before the utterance of an affirmation will even begin to take shape.

If affirmations are seeds to be planted in your heart and mind, then you must wait for them to sprout and flourish. However, the most critical step people ignore is on the type of land you are planting these seeds.

Many proponents of affirmations suggest by simply repetitiously proclaiming your desires, they will not only manifest, but also replace the negative thoughts.

This is where I take issue.

The negative thoughts are the reasons you have not actualized your desires. Throwing fresh seeds on top of old, dried, unfruitful seeds will never yield success. By casting about positive seeds indiscriminately into your untended mental landscape is will only lead to frustration…because your affirmations aren’t working.

If you are saying affirmations to bring about a life change, are you planting these seeds on fertile soil or a plot of land dominated by weeds? If you have a yard full of weeds and trash, but you want a lawn manicured like of a golf course, how would you go about achieving this? Would you through grass seeds on the lot of littered land?

No, you would first clear any litter, dig up the weeds, possibly add new soil, wait for the rain to moisten the soil, then scatter the seeds. Once this is done you must continually water and nurture this land, carefully tending to it until you see the promise of sprouting.

Once the grass has full grown in, you will prune and nurture the lawn, to maintain it and realize its ultimate beauty.

This is likened to the process of planting the seeds of positive affirmations.

You cannot even grasps seeds of love with a heart full of hate, let alone plant those seeds in your mind. You cannot plant seeds of prosperity in a mindset of deprivation. You cannot plant seeds of leadership in a resistant mind.

You must first begin the clear your minds of the negative thoughts that stand in the way of you getting what you want. Because in essence, if your heart and mind was truly ready for what your affirmation calls for, it would have already flourished, so there is a reason why it hasn’t flourished.

You cannot claim to be a bestselling author if you are too afraid to approach the page, avoid criticism, or carry the load of many rejections.

You cannot claim a husband and children if you are afraid of relationships, have not released the injuries of past loves, or have not dared to explore what love really means.

Nor can you become a leader in your spiritual community if you are not upright in your beliefs, open to the spiritual conflicts with yourself and others, and are not ready to lead yourself.

Your heart and mind must be open in order to receive the manifestations of your affirmations.